I am a little apprehensive about the scalp massage. Oh, dont you worry, its basically a stranger digging her nails intimately onto your scalp. The one I chose was apparently for pregnant women. So, I have to pretend I'm pregnant. I have to pretend I'm pregnant for the entire SPA weekend. I will, occasionally, touch my belly knowingly, ask where the toilet is, pretend I's smelling funny things in funny places doing funny noises pretending to be other funny things in funny places doing funny noises. I'll get a baby on board tube badge, stick it on my bathrobe and when I enter the spa, people will offer me a seat in the sauna. Nice people, you know, nice people. And maybe I''ll blow my belly, so that it looks round and perky, Or I will just drink a pint of beer or have a piece of toast. That always makes me feel bloated. And when they ask, have you thought of a name I'll say Fosters, or Stella Artois if it's a girl, or Pilsner if the father is German. And if they ask me how many moths you are pregnant I'll pause for a moment and gently say 'ham+cheese' of 'cheese+tomato', that will teach them.

I have developed this obsession for smoked mackerel recently. I buy it every Friday from Tesco, never cook it, carry it for a week inside my lunch bag and eat it at the buss stop. I down a piece almost unchewed. A boke gets stuck at the back of my throat and I have to myself myself sick. Then I text Warren. I just vomited, do you think I'm pregnant? I just made myself sick with my finger cause I got a fish bone stuck on my throat. Do you think I'm pregnant? I got sick, I was sick in the toilet, you know, and all around, proper, proper sick. Do you think I'm pregnant? Next thing I know I wake up at the A&E with an insuline stuck on my arm and 40 grams of pre-natal vitamins. I just had fish, I had uncooked fish, I didn't chew it properly, I didn't chew it properly cause I was at the bus stop. The nurse approaches, Don't you worry now dear. I'm sure if it's a boy, you can call it mackerel. I'm sure your husband won't mind. 


I haven't got a husband ,I haven't got a job, I haven't got a living room. I sleep in my living room. I sleep in my living room, I eat in my bedroom, I pee in my kitchen sink. My neighnour is a drug addict and cries every night. I can't have a baby. I can't have a baby. I can't have a baby. Not a baby with the name of a fish. 

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